When I was an adolescent, I thought my adult self would have life all figured out. I’d be wealthy and successful. I wasn’t clear on exactly what career I’d be working in, but I just assumed I’d be good at my chosen profession.
A lot of that thought was born out of the myth that every adult had their lives together. No adult ever admitted they, too, still struggled with insecurities, doubt and were “making it up” as they went along.
Perhaps it was better that way. I’m not sure my awkward, overweight self could have handled the truth.
All I had to do was make it until I was 20. Yes, 20. That is what being an “adult” looked like at a young age.
Little did I know that my 20s would be a tumultuous age full of fun and heartache, but nowhere near being an “adult.”
My 30s were good. I settled into doing adult things. I purchased a house, had a profession (though maybe not the one I intended), started running marathons and felt relatively at peace with myself.
I thought the final piece of that puzzle clicked into place when I met my now wife at age 40.
I turn 45 this year.
And I’m like, wait, what the fuck. Where did all the time go?
My parents are getting old(er). I’m not losing weight as fast as I once did. My knees feel stiff before and shortly after I finish a run.
After a year of working from home due to the pandemic, I’m also left thinking, “Is this it? Is this all life is? A continuous march of repeating the same day over-and-over again until death or retirement? Is there anything new to experience? Any new joys to find . . . or challenges?”
I mean, I’ve kind of gotten used to having some of the same old insecurities and doubts I had for as long as I remember. At least experience has helped me temper my response to them when they flare up . . . but come on.
I then get annoyed because I hate cliches and my current state feels like a cliche.
AM I EXPERIENCING A MID-LIFE CRISIS?
Looking back at my near past, I can state that instead of buying a high-end sports car, I purchased a mid-range priced camera to mix things up a bit.
I have regularly returned to creativity throughout my life, be that through writing my thoughts in a blog or taking pictures, to understand and/or reinvent myself.
That’s something right?
I never thought a mid-life crisis would feel monotonous, but it does. I believe it is because I still hold the bogus notion of a child . . . one that believes I should have everything and everything should be figured out by now.
I have a lot of experience and understanding, but that does not mean my story is done. My current mood indicates that I still have a lot to learn about being content.
I just have to be more willful and focus on the following chapters of my life.
I know those chapters will include plot twists outside of my control, loss, heartbreak, but I also hope fun and awe-inspiring discovery if I play my cards right.