How Did I End Up Here?

I know my situation must be desperate. An advertisement for a self-help book popped up in my Facebook feed. “Even a damn behavior-based social media algorithm knows I’m depressed. How depressing,” I thought.

Then I tapped on the ad, which took me to the iBooks store on my phone where I bought a digital copy of the book.

Before you judge too harshly let me defend myself. First, the e-book only cost $2.99. I spend more on Monster energy drinks every day!  The book’s title is also pretty catchy. Have you ever heard of  “You are a Badass” by Jen Sincero?

I feel like the furthest thing from a badass in my life right now. I’m convinced I’m a burden; that I will never reach my potential; that I will forever be alone; and, please don’t tell anyone else this because the amount of pity I’d receive would be too much, I know I’m too acutely ADHD, emotionally damaged and old to really change or ever truly be happy.

By the way, I am 41. See, OLD.

Anyway, the book’s title appealed to me because I probably need someone to tell me that I am a badass. Pathetic.

Bonus justification: The book received mostly four or five-star reviews. Maybe this Jen person knows something. Or perhaps I am far from alone in my perpetual self-seeking. I’m kind of leaning toward the latter.

So, yes. It (being my current state of mind) is bad.

I can’t sleep. I’ve packed on a gross amount of weight. Any level of teasing from others stings with the weight of damning proof of just how worthless I am.

And sometimes I think I’m just so damn tired I just want the bad thoughts and emotions to STOP. That sobering thought scares me enough to put my game face on and go out into the world. I choose to grind out one more day and see what happens next.

And then I buy a self-help book on a whim because I’m that desperate for some sort of change.


Run Forest Run

Sometimes the only medicine for my bouts of anxiety and depression is to run.

After slipping on my running shoes and cruising for five to six miles the dark emotions may still be lurking in the background but they have a lot of ground to cover before they catch back up with me and weigh me down again.