Brian D. Mains

So it goes . . .

Recent Posts

  • It’s Been A Minute

    As the post title says, I haven’t sat down to write and post an entry on this blog in a long time. I last published something here in 2022. Over the past four years, I tried to force myself to share a few times. I also made a frustrating, failed attempt to update the website’s look—a soft reboot, so to speak.

    But life happened, events big and small. I also no longer felt I had anything to share here. Well, that is not entirely true. This website never drew a big following. When I started it, I did so for the simple, therapeutic pleasure of organizing my thoughts and feelings and finding meaning in sharing my experiences. My writing was, more than anything else, solely for me.

    At some point, I started telling myself I had nothing to explore or share in words. The world around me felt chaotic, silly and heartbreaking. All I could do, I thought, was shrug my shoulders and keep going, one day at a time. Four years passed. And now, here I am, on a warm, sunny late-fall afternoon, typing in my sunroom on a computer I rarely use.

    Why here? Why now? Part of it is because of long periods of quiet reflection over the past year. I’ve tried to slow down in my acting and thinking. I find joy in regular meditation. For the first time in a long time, perhaps ever, I spend more days calm than anxious. Events taking place outside myself affect me less than they used to. I can only do what I can actually do, which entails reacting to the world and people around me as kindly and with as much grace as I can muster. At the very least, I try not to create more pain in the world through how I react in my interactions.

    I also turned 50 in 2026, which I am sure is part of things slowing down. Only by experiencing it do I find turning half a century old strangely weird, more an experience of settling than unsettling. I’m of an age where I don’t feel old, or what I assumed “old” must feel like. I simply feel like me, like I believe I’ve always felt. But that cannot be entirely true.

    I look at my parents. My dad soon turns 80. My mother is 72. They are in good health. They bicker and fight. They are my parents, a constant relationship my whole life. But today, when I spend time with them, I realize we have few years left together. They cannot do all the things they did even a few years ago. There is a sweetness and a melancholy in not only knowing but experiencing how finite time really is. I was a fool to waste so much time with what now feels like petty distractions.

    Then I remember to practice kindness and give myself grace, too. I’ve had so many weird, wonderful, heartbreaking, joyous, and disappointing adventures in my life. Each one led me to where I am today, calmly sitting in my sunroom in a home with a partner I love dearly. Then I forgive myself again, remembering I’ve simply been living my life as best I could in each moment, before returning my thoughts to the present.

  • A Measure of Time

    A Measure of Time

    My sister recently shared a photograph of a wood ruler I wrote my name on and dated Jan. 23, 1989, when I was in the seventh grade.

    Somehow the ruler survived more than three decades of being packed around and used. My sister took the picture as my nephew, currently in the eighth grade, used the ruler to do his own math homework.

    I remember hating the seventh grade. I was fitted for glasses and braces in the same year. I grew anxious and self-aware when it came to fitting in and having friends. I couldn’t figure out how or why the hierarchy of my social circles was changing. I started struggling with my weight and depression.

    If I was confronted with my younger self today, I wish I could tell him all of those emotions and confusion went away as an adult, but they haven’t. I’ve found that life and feelings may ebb and flow, but who I am internally remains relatively consistent.

    As an adult, I learned to name some things I experienced as an adolescent (hello, ADHD). And I learned to better manage others. Exercise does wonders for anxiety and depression — whenever I’m motivated enough to do it.

    But yes, weight is still an issue, along with dark emotions and a struggle to fit into most social circles.

    My younger self might be happy to know that he eventually marries someone he is over the moon in love with. I’d probably skip telling him about the journey along the bumpy road of dating to get there.

    Mostly though, looking at that ruler, I think I find it harder to measure the strides and distance from childhood to adulthood today than what I thought when I was young and daydreamed about the future as a means of current escape.

    While looking back, I know there’s been tremendous positive growth and change over the past 33 years of my life, but it’s not as if I entirely left the 12-year-old who wrote his name on that ruler back in 1989.

    He’s still there, living inside of me, underneath all of the layers and years of experience.

  • Pictures of pets

    Pictures of pets

    Quick poll question here: Am I the only person who has spent a good portion of their days working taking pictures of their pets while working from home?

  • Photos: Pig Candy BBQ

    Photos: Pig Candy BBQ

    Tuesday was take your new camera to work with you. Well, it was in my world anyway.

    Getting to play with my Canon EOS R6 and a few lenses in a professional kitchen like Pig Candy BBQ was fun.

    I was happy with how some of those shots turned out post-edit too.

  • Monday Morning Musing: What is the meaning of this?

    Monday Morning Musing: What is the meaning of this?

    When I was an adolescent, I thought my adult self would have life all figured out. I’d be wealthy and successful. I wasn’t clear on exactly what career I’d be working in, but I just assumed I’d be good at my chosen profession.

    A lot of that thought was born out of the myth that every adult had their lives together. No adult ever admitted they, too, still struggled with insecurities, doubt and were “making it up” as they went along.

    Perhaps it was better that way. I’m not sure my awkward, overweight self could have handled the truth.

    All I had to do was make it until I was 20. Yes, 20. That is what being an “adult” looked like at a young age.

    Little did I know that my 20s would be a tumultuous age full of fun and heartache, but nowhere near being an “adult.”

    My 30s were good. I settled into doing adult things. I purchased a house, had a profession (though maybe not the one I intended), started running marathons and felt relatively at peace with myself.

    I thought the final piece of that puzzle clicked into place when I met my now wife at age 40.

    I turn 45 this year.

    And I’m like, wait, what the fuck. Where did all the time go?

    My parents are getting old(er). I’m not losing weight as fast as I once did. My knees feel stiff before and shortly after I finish a run.

    After a year of working from home due to the pandemic, I’m also left thinking, “Is this it? Is this all life is? A continuous march of repeating the same day over-and-over again until death or retirement? Is there anything new to experience? Any new joys to find . . . or challenges?”

    I mean, I’ve kind of gotten used to having some of the same old insecurities and doubts I had for as long as I remember. At least experience has helped me temper my response to them when they flare up . . . but come on.

    I then get annoyed because I hate cliches and my current state feels like a cliche.

    AM I EXPERIENCING A MID-LIFE CRISIS?

    🤢

    🤢

    Looking back at my near past, I can state that instead of buying a high-end sports car, I purchased a mid-range priced camera to mix things up a bit.

    I have regularly returned to creativity throughout my life, be that through writing my thoughts in a blog or taking pictures, to understand and/or reinvent myself.

    That’s something right?

    I never thought a mid-life crisis would feel monotonous, but it does. I believe it is because I still hold the bogus notion of a child . . . one that believes I should have everything and everything should be figured out by now.

    I have a lot of experience and understanding, but that does not mean my story is done. My current mood indicates that I still have a lot to learn about being content.

    I just have to be more willful and focus on the following chapters of my life.

    I know those chapters will include plot twists outside of my control, loss, heartbreak, but I also hope fun and awe-inspiring discovery if I play my cards right.

  • Photo(s): Food and Sunsets

    Photo(s): Food and Sunsets

    I am still figuring out the parameters and flow for posting photographs taken with my new Canon EOS R6 camera.

    My goal, as stated in my last blog post, is to post a photograph a week. Right now, I’m leaning towards that in the literal sense by selecting one shot here versus vomiting every pic into a gallery each week that I slap online.

    I want this project to be intentional, which means I am also considering a theme and setting to play with each week. I hope to have that clearly stated in a post soon.

    I also hope to select a consistent time and day to make these photo posts.

    I figure some of what I want to do will evolve organically. Constructive suggestions are welcome in the comments.

    Now on with the show.

    This week, I’m breaking a future rule by sharing three photos. Two are essentially the same images of food. The second is a sunset.

    I played with color and contrast for all three in Lightroom.

    Lunch

    I wish I had thought more about the presentation when I took these photographs of the eggplant and green bean salad I made for lunch Tuesday, but I was hungry when I shot it.

    My house’s back mudroom is actually a gorgeous place to stage a midday shoot due to the white walls and natural light that floods the space.

    I’m sharing both shots here because I couldn’t decide whether I liked the closer-up or wider-angled photo more.

    Sunset

    This photograph was after sunset, about 6:20 p.m. Tuesday at Ault Park in Cincinnati, Ohio.

    It will be a while before I come back here to take photographs of a starry sky.

  • New Year Goals

    New Year Goals

    I’m not late to the game with this post.

    I just waited nearly two months into 2021 before announcing the goals I made for myself in the new year.

    My reasoning behind the delay is simple: I wanted to give myself some time to form habits to make sure those goals stick (or at least give me a better chance of success).

    So with that, here are three goals I hope to maintain/achieve in 2021

    Photography

    As I mentioned in a previous post, I finally broke down and bought a brand new Canon EOS R6 mirrorless digital camera.

    The camera was not cheap. New lenses are even more expensive. But during the pandemic, my itch to get creative continues to grow.

    I bought the camera in the first week of February. My goal going forward is to post one photo a week to the blog and write about it.

    I unintentionally started doing this last week (again, see previous post).

    I will have a second photograph posted later in the week.

    Reading

    I previously stated this goal on the Goodreads app: Read one book a month throughout 2021.

    This goal is completely achievable. I just need to continue to set aside the time put down my iPhone and do it.

    So far, I read Good Morning, Midnight by Lily Brooks-Dalton in January after seeing the George Clooney adaptation of the book on Netflix.

    I already read The Sun Does Shine: How I Found Life and Freedom on Death Row by Anthony Ray Hinton for February. My mother-in-law gave the book to my wife as a birthday gift during a visit the first week of the month. I casually picked it up to skim the first few pages and found I could not put it down.

    I also started reading A Promised Land by Barack Obama, The Midnight Library by Matt Haig and My Own Words by Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

    I would like to read a few books by Octavia E. Butler and find a sci-fi/fantasy series that I can truly get lost in in the coming months. (Recommendations welcome)

    I’m also debating on writing reviews of each book moving forward as I finish them. If I feel really ambitious, I might even post reflections on the two books I have already read.

    Fitness

    I gained a LOT of weight since the pandemic began. The weight gain was the result of apathy towards exercise, overeating and over-imbibing fueled by massive amounts of anxiety.

    After tipping the scale higher than ever before, I decided to sign up for the weight loss program Noom on Dec. 23. So far, and depending on the day, I’ve lost between 15-to-17 pounds through counting calories and a return to running.

    My fitness goal for the year is two-fold.

    First, I want to work my way down to a healthy weight. If all the charts, graphs and trends on Noom play out, I should hit that target weight sometime in June.

    The weight loss plays into my bigger, secondary fitness goal — to set a new PR in either a 5K, 10K, or –gulp– half marathon, hopefully by year’s end.

    I will occasionally will provide updates on my fitness journey too.

    So, there you have it. My 2021 goals.

    Do they sound doable? Any tips, tricks or recommendations? Feel free to share them, and your own goals, in the comments below.

  • The Canon EOS R6

    The Canon EOS R6

    I bought a Canon Rebel DSLR many years ago with the intent of becoming a photographer. I spent six months posting a photo a day to this blog.

    I won’t say every photo was great. Some were over-edited. Others had soft focal points. But over time, I did improve to the point a few photos caught the eye of advertising agencies and individual collectors.

    I contracted the rights for one of them, a self-portrait, to an international charitable organization for its website. A doctor purchased a series of four photographs of a barge cutting through the fog rising off the Ohio River at sunrise.

    You could say that I was as pleased as punch with myself. Around the same time, I changed jobs, found a new passion in running and generally got distracted by other developments in my life.

    I still take many photographs, all on my iPhone, but nothing with the same zeal I did when I first purchased that Rebel.

    And here we are today, a year into the COVID-19 pandemic.

    I’ve documented the lives of my wife, dog and cat almost daily since working from home beginning March 16, 2020.

    And while my iPhone 12 takes excellent pictures, I recently started looking for more challenging creative outlets.

    So, with my wife’s blessing, I purchased a new Canon EOS R6 mirrorless camera and lens. The camera isn’t cheap and I’m such a novice using it right now.

    But I swear I’m going to use it, hopefully daily and with the mindset that perhaps I can turn photography into a real side hustle.

    I just need to figure out what creative goals and projects I plan to pursue. When I do, I’ll be sharing that journey here.

    And for the record, the image below is the first picture I took with the new Canon. It is on an icy road in Eden Park, Cincinnati, Ohio.

  • It’s Tuesday, Again

    It’s Tuesday, Again

    It’s 9:51 a.m. Tuesday EST as I begin to write this blog post.

    The thing is, I don’t know why I’m writing this blog post.

    Perhaps because it is Tuesday again. Another Tuesday working from home in what seems like a never-ending string of work-from-home-Tuesdays.

    The water in the fish tank I purchased back in August makes a soothing waterfall noise as the tank’s filter quietly hums.

    My cat just walked and then back out of my makeshift office in a spare bedroom of my wife’s and my house’s second floor.

    Unlike last Tuesday, this one is sunny outside. Sunny and cold, but still a Tuesday.

    Last night after dinner and drinking a few beers, I became very contemplative about purpose.

    My purpose. The purpose of my work. My lack of purpose. My need to have a purpose.

    My desire for my wife and I to find purpose together. I mentioned children.

    And then we went to bed.

    I woke up this morning. It’s Tuesday again, but how is Tuesday different from Monday or Wednesday, Thursday, or Friday?

    Occasionally on Saturday or Sunday, I’ll do something different. I recently began running with a small group of people again on Saturday mornings.

    Last Saturday evening, my wife and I went to the zoo to see all of its twinkling lights. In little more than a week and a half, she and I will spend three nights in a cabin in a forest located about a two-hour drive from our home.

    I texted my wife this morning and told her I loved her. (Her work demands she goes into the office each day.)

    She immediately texts back. She said she loved me too and asked how I was doing.

    I said okay . . . for a Tuesday.

  • Um, I did a podcast thing

    Um, I did a podcast thing

    It’s getting cold out. Plants are dying. I can’t keep mopping the floor in between interviews I conduct for work to manage my pre-election anxiety.

    So . . . I finally put together the first episode of that podcast I promised in my last blog entry.

    In this inaugural Occasional Podcast episode, I spoke with Jillian Harrison-Jones, MUSE’s music director, a progressive, all-women choral group in Cincinnati.

    Jillian and I discussed how MUSE took its concerts from in-person to online during the ongoing COVID-19 pandemic.

    We also discussed the message MUSE’s online 2020 concert series that wraps up at 7 p.m. Sunday, Nov. 1, hopes to deliver to young, marginalized voters on the even of this year’s Presidential election.

    Here are some pertinent links and an imbed of one of the concerts MUSE produced and posted on Youtube.

    SIGN UP FOR SUNDAY’S EVENT