My head is inhabited by a swarm of unruly, aimless, chaotic and often angry bees.
Individual members of the hive buzz this way and that, often leading me to lock my jaw and grind my teeth on any given day.
The intensity of the swarm only amplifies if I try to catch or kill an individual bee or cluster. Plus, they are always too crafty and fleeting for me to cage.
I once paid a doctor to study the swarm that is my mind. He concluded I have an acute ADHD brain.
Or more accurately, he stated
How have you functioned for this long as an adult?
(I paid nearly $1,000 for this diagnosis)
After warring with the swarm my entire life, I found comfort in learning I wasn’t crazy. Well, at least not completely mad.
It was maddening, losing so many battles, and watching loved ones lose their patience with me, because of the swarm.
I’ll never be free of the swarm, but I’ve since learned different ways to better live with the constant buzzing in my head.
One of my favorites is yoga
Burning legs in Downward Dog. Finding balance in Crow. Standing strong and tall in Tree. Having a gentle, guiding voice reminding me to focus on my breathe, stay in the moment and to stop judging myself.
Yoga is the antithesis of ADHD. While the practice never fully silences the swarm, it does cause it to calm for a moment.
Or, more likely, my imperfect practice reduces the anxiety that I create by trying to control my unruly mind. Yoga provides just enough space for me to see the beauty and patterns in the chaotic dance that is the ceaseless swarm of my thoughts.
Do you have an angry swarm of bees in your head? What do you do to find that calm center in your life?