This blog landed somewhere near the very bottom of my to-do list. I used to love regularly sharing my feelings, photography and running adventures here.
I no longer do “real” photography with my Canon digital camera after defaulting to Instagram with its filters and instant gratification of likes and followers.
I still run, but find writing about running after 11 marathons tedious. I also went through a period where I lost heart. Training became a choir instead of a pleasure or release. My average pace plummeted. I also gained weight, which played a part in other issues I repeatedly wrestle with.
I get depressed. My depression is persistent and cyclical. This winter particularly made it worse. In my depths, I was too ashamed to talk about it with anyone. Acute ADHD and a mild form of dyslexia only added frustration. I turned to food for comfort. THEN I decided to not write about my latest bought of the blues after realizing some people in my work life actually read this blog. A not so subtle comment over happy hour drinks left me uneasy.
I suddenly felt self-aware and dumb for writing about these persistent feelings of anxiety and depression. Do I appear weak? Annoying? But, again, marathon training and overeating were not enough. I could not run far enough to burn off the calories or bad emotions. My doctor forced confronted me about my weight gain and elevated blood pressure during a routine checkup. I needed to do something.
I realized I missed this type of writing. I appreciate the free form and ability to just work through streams of thought.
I was inspired by actor Don Cheadle to just be myself and write after hearing him during a question and answer session in Cincinnati about the film he stars in and directed, “Miles Ahead.” The movie is about the five-year silent period of jazz musician Miles Davis in the 1970s. Cheadle repeated one of Davis’ favorite refrains when talking about why he decided to present Davis’ life in a non-linear, non-biopic form. “You do you.” That was Davis’ mantra, Cheadle said. The actor-director took that mantra to heart and did a film about the music legend the way he thought it should be done.
So, here I am, again. I’ve decided to do me.
I updated the name of the blog. I would love to promise consistency in posts, but I kind of like this space of free form self expression to share what I wish when I wish.
I have also begun playing with snippets of video and recharged the camera battery with plans to take more pictures. And after signing up for Vine three years ago, I started actually using it. I find four of the recent Vines I created to be hypnotizing. They are all work related. Check them out at the end of this entry.
This post went nowhere I intended it to. Of course, I’m not sure what that original intent was. If you just stumbled across this post, hello.